Small Things

A Hoops & Yoyo e-card from my 13 year old niece.

Yas calling from Australia.

The neighbor across the street inviting me to his son's graduation party.

The Pekinese Chihuahua mix named Oliver in the dog park.

Finding people who want to go to the beach.

The vet being happy when Camilla peed on his office floor.

Cool breeze after a hot day.

Jeff weeding my garden and creating beautiful paths.

Watching "Wall-E" with R & F.

Fresh strawberries locally grown.

A new scratching box for the cats.

Bindiana Bones' new pink cap with a flamingo on it.

Talking with my sis and my niece on the phone.

Alice in Wonderland fabric.

Hope.



(Graphic from www.vital-message.com)

Depression

Ok, lurkers, here's the deal. I really need you to respond to my blog entries, either by online comment, separate email to me, or call me up. My sitemeter lets me know how many "visits" to my blog appear every day and week. So I know a bunch of you are reading it.

This past week was hell for me. My depression reared it's ugly head bigtime, and it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning (thank you Bindi). I know the things I'm SUPPOSED to do when I feel this way, but if any of you have experienced moderate to severe depression, you know that when you are in this state doing anything except sitting slumped in front of the television is about all that can be accomplished. I can't reach out. I can't get myself to go to the garden. I can't exercise. I can't eat right. I'm even too frightened to cry by myself, have to do it with the shrink or the therapist, or someone else who happens to be handy. And no one is handy. All of my best friends live far away or are dealing with their own pain and struggles and business.

It's unbelievably frustrating when people I know ask me how I am and I say, "I'm not doing well." And then they say, "Oh, what's wrong?" What's wrong??? Where have you been?? Do you really not know what is going on with me, or if so, do you think I should be "over it?"

I know, I know, most of us are not skilled when we have a friend who is depressed. We don't know what to do, or the depression is so frightening, we want to avoid that friend. If you don't know how to respond, perhaps you could ask someone who does know how to respond to help you out. I've often had to instruct my friends on what I need, "train" them if you will.

Again, a list of the "challenges" (i hate that word) before me:

1. I have cancer. On July 7 I start six weeks of daily radiation treatment, my head immobilized inside a mesh cage. I get claustrophobic. My tongue is still easily irritated, I can't chew very well, and a chunk is missing.

2. I had to give up my job of 25 years on June 12, and while I thought that I would make it to a retirement with dignity at the end of next year, I just get letters in the mail saying my job is terminated. I was going to have a big retirement party, I was going to feel a real sense of accomplishment and service, I was going to be honored. Instead, I was pushed out of the job prematurely under great duress, and ignored by many of the people I've worked with for decades. For someone who was referred to over the years by countless faculty and students as "the heart and soul of Women's Studies," this dismissal has left me with much grief and

3. PTSD. If you don't know what that entails, google it.

4. I will have no paycheck after July 3. I have applied for disability benefits, but I do not know when or if that will go through. I feel financially insecure.

5. Two of my very best friends are leaving the area on July 11. They have been/are so special to me, that not having them in my daily life hurts terribly. I am so sad about this.

6. My knees are still bad. I use a cane most of the time now, and it's even a chore to walk my sweet dog.

7. My car is dying. I feel so heavy and slow most of the time, that shopping for one and making the decision feels like too much. I am literally buying time by putting more money into this 18 year old Corolla until my energy is such that I can do the car buying task.


If you respond to this, if you care about me, please know that one response every six months isn't enough. If you respond to this, know that what I fear most is feeling alone and unsupported. I've lived in this area for 40 years, and still do not have a sustaining community. I have friends and lots of acquaintances, but my idea of community is not something that exists for me. And I know that it is not just me. I have heard many people around here complain of the same thing, which is why I badly need to get out of the northeast.

I apologize for such a deeply personal entry, and I hope I have not offended anyone. This is just my awkward way of letting you know I need help, and that, until I let you know differently, I am not doing well.

Good News

With Florida being my probable next home state, this story was heartily welcomed.

********************

Florida Buying Big Sugar Tract for Everglades
By DAMIEN CAVE

LOXAHATCHEE, Fla. — The dream of a restored Everglades, with water flowing from Lake Okeechobee to Florida Bay, moved a giant step closer to reality on Tuesday when the nation’s largest sugarcane producer agreed to sell all of its assets to the state and go out of business.

Under the proposed deal, Florida will pay $1.75 billion for United States Sugar, which would have six years to continue farming before turning over 187,000 acres north of Everglades National Park, along with two sugar refineries, 200 miles of railroad and other assets.

It would be Florida’s biggest land acquisition ever, and the magnitude and location of the purchase left environmentalists and state officials giddy.
Even before Gov. Charlie Crist arrived to make the announcement against a backdrop of water, grass and birds here, dozens of advocates gathered in small groups, gasping with awe, as if at a wedding for a couple they never thought would fall in love. After years of battling with United States Sugar over water and pollution, many of them said that the prospect of a partnership came as a shock.

“It’s so exciting,” said Margaret McPherson, vice president of the Everglades Foundation. “I’m going to do cartwheels.”

The details of the deal, which is scheduled to be completed over the next few months, and does not require legislative approval, may define how long the honeymoon lasts. Previous acquisitions took longer to integrate than initially expected and because United States Sugar’s fields are not all contiguous, complicated land swaps with other businesses may be required.

The purchase will be paid for with bonds and from fees already added to water bills. But if the price goes up or environmental remediation enters the picture, the state could have to renegotiate or find other money.

The fate of the company’s 1,900 workers also remains in question and some former company executives have suggested that the state is overpaying, bailing out a company burdened with debt, a troubled new sugar mill and a lawsuit from former employees who said they were bilked out of retirement money.
Company officials said the deal would amount to $350 a share, after taxes and other obligations were paid, a premium over two previous offers of $293 per share that the company had dismissed as inadequate.

The accusations and concerns, however, did not dampen the mood. Even as workers from the mill in Clewiston tried to get a handle on their futures, and some cried foul, Mr. Crist emphasized the land’s environmental value.
He said the deal was “as monumental as the creation of the nation’s first national park, Yellowstone.” Declining to provide details of how the state arrived at the price of $1.7 billion, he said it was a terrific bargain.

“I can envision no better gift to the Everglades,” he said, “the people of Florida and the people of America — as well as our planet — than to place in public ownership this missing link that represents the key to true restoration.”
The impact on the Everglades could be substantial. The natural flow of water would be restored, and the expanse of about 292 square miles would add about a million acre-feet of water storage. That amount of water — enough to fill about 500,000 Olympic size swimming pools — could soak the southern Everglades during the dry season, protecting wildlife, preventing fires, and allowing for a redrawing of the $8 billion Everglades restoration plan approved in 2000.

It would essentially remove some of the proposed plumbing. Many of the complicated wells and pumps the plan relied on might never have to be built, water officials said, because the water could move naturally down the gradually sloping land.

Kenneth G. Ammon, deputy executive director of the South Florida Water Management District, which would assume control of the land, said it would be a “managed” flow-way, with reservoirs and other engineered mechanisms to control water flow. David G. Guest, a lawyer for Earthjustice Legal Defense Fund, joked that he might have to go to blows to keep the area all natural.
“This is about putting it back to the way it was in the 1890s,” Mr. Guest said. “What will happen is that if you come back here in 20 years, it will look indistinguishable from the way it looked before the white man arrived.”

The future challenges will probably intersect with the land’s more recent history. Since 1931, United States Sugar has farmed the area, using fertilizers that have often released phosphorous into the water. The legacy of its efforts could prove hidden at first, like pollution found during other environmental cleanup efforts.

The company has long denied that its efforts severely damaged the land, and executives said that the sale would benefit the Everglades, and shareholders.
“It’s dollars and cents and the right thing to do,” said Robert H. Buker Jr., the company’s president, in an interview after the announcement. “If I had to go out I’d rather — all of us would rather it went out to make the state of Florida better.”

The company will face some hurdles. The lawsuit involving former employees will not disappear but will probably include fewer plaintiffs, said Curtis Miner, one of the workers’ lawyers. Some, like Randy Smith, 57, who cashed out last year at $194 a share after 25 years with the company, said Tuesday’s deal only proved that he did not receive his fair share.
“I got ripped off pretty good,” he said.

Those most affected though will be current workers, and they could decide whether the purchase goes through. United States Sugar took its stock off the public market in 1983 to create an employee stock ownership plan, so technically the company is owned by the workers.

Mr. Buker said he expected the workers would approve the deal because of the money they could make. But at a meeting with workers in Clewiston on Tuesday, opinions seemed mixed. Some workers said they were angry they were left out of the loop. As recently as Tuesday morning, bosses told them that rumors of a sale were not true.

They had a lot of questions: Why sell now? What would happen when the state took over? Would the mill still run? Would there be jobs? What would happen to Clewiston, the tiny town that has relied on United States Sugar since the 1930s?

Mr. Buker tried to respond. He said it was a good deal, that wage earners would receive a year’s pay as severance; that salaried workers would get two years. And he said that the company had no choice but to sell because the state had the upper hand, and could have pushed them off the land with laws, rather than with $1.7 billion dollars.

For many — both workers and environmentalists — it was all still hard to believe. “You got to hear it three times,” said Chris Harris, 36, a United States Sugar foreman, after the meeting. “It sinks in but...”

His voice trailed off and he looked away. The company had seemed to be growing, revamping its mill. A new tower went up just last week. At the time, Mr. Crist was being lambasted by environmentalists for abandoning his opposition to drilling offshore for oil and natural gas. At least for some on Tuesday, all was forgiven.

“Offshore drilling is a mouse,” said Mr. Guest, of Earthjustice. “the Everglades is an elephant.”

Reporting was contributed by Yolanne Almanzar from Clewiston, Fla., and Mary Williams Walsh.

Photo by Barbara P. Fernandez for The New York Times

Lady in the Mask

When they were done fitting me with this mask for the radiation treatments yesterday, I said, Well, that was creepy. I got this picture from someone's blog who seemed to be journalling every aspect of her treatment, but I have no desire to do that. I'm trying to go thru all this at a kind of distance, as if it is a movie I am watching, or a play I am in. Don't know if that's good or bad; it just is.

After that madness, I dropped off some hostas to a friend, then stopped in at the Toyota dealer on the way home. This dealer is a non-negotiating dealer, so the price they tell you is what you pay, which I think is good for me. The sellers work on bonuses, not on commission on every car. So I didn't feel pressured at all. Looked at a Matrix and a Rav4, I think either would be ok, but the Rav4 has a higher seat and is a bit bigger, which might be better for my needs. 0% financing on 36 month financing when you buy a 2009. I'm gonna look at Hondas, too.

Took myself out to Midori late afternoon then, for a bowl of their delicious chicken soup. A light beef broth with Asian vegetables, udon noodles, and chicken. With a side of pickled radish. Yum. And so close to my house, and they are wonderfully cordial people.

I don't feel well, today. Was up till 4am on Monday morning, took a long nap yesterday, and just feel crummy today. I need to get my current car registration renewed, but first have to have the emissions test, and I can't find the paper, and the registration is overdue, and I have a ton more paperwork to do for my medical leave, and I feel like doing NONE OF IT!!!

Shoutout to the AndFam: Hope everyone is feeling better. Miss you all.

Family

Me on the right, my sister C. on your left, and my niece E. in the middle on her 9th birthday.

My friend BF visited me yesterday and we just sat outside for several hours, eating, chatting, gardening, playing with the dog. Very pleasant, although I've been fighting a yucky cough that is tiring me out. Last Monday I saw the shrink, then Tuesdsay I had a PET scan, then Wednesday, I saw the surgeon, then Thursday, I saw the oncologist, and Friday I saw my counselor. Exhausting. The PET scan was very weird, and no one told me what it entailed. Another lesson in ASK IF YOU DON'T KNOW. Nothing is freely given it seems.

Camilla peed right on the bed next to me the other morning. Either she or the other cat had peed in her new bed, and I think she was not happy about that. And you can't wash those things to get the smell out. You have to buy a new bed. But even disregarding her inappropriate peeing, it's time to take her to the vet for a checkup.

I am officially not working for WGSS any more. And R. leaves her position in two weeks. She said, "Instead of Thing One and Thing Two, they'll have Grunt 1 and Grunt 2." It was very funny. That corridor is losing two very dynamic women. Their loss, big time. Poor R. threw out her back and has been in awful pain for days. I think it's getting better though.

Planted some Red Rocket snapdragons where the tulips had been. And two big red canna corms. Lots of my plants are being eaten by some pest. My potted rose looks healthy since I've been using the organic rose spray; perhaps I'll use it on other plants and see what happens.

Tomorrow I go to have a mesh mask made for use in mapping the areas to radiate on my head, and to stabilize my head while the treatments are being performed. The oncologist asked me if I was claustrophobic, and I said yes, so I don't know what THAT means. Oh, man, more surprises.

Wanted badly to go swimming today but just felt so blecchh that I didn't go. It's outdoor pool season now, and there's a couple pool clubs I can join nearby so that's not a problem. A public pool would be nicer, thank you very much, but oh well. I miss being in Naples, FL, where I just plopped myself in the ocean most days. What a complete luxury.

Here's a nice story: we had a communal work party at the community garden last Friday afternoon, called Wine and Weed (weed as in pulling weeds, not the other kind.) Although not many gardeners showed up, I ended up working in the herb plot with TD, an old hippie philosopher like me, and we were chatting and weeding and laughing and venting. The air was cool, the afternoon light was lovely, and there was a light wind blowing. We then moved on to cutting back the lavender and the lemon balm, which both emanated extraordinary scents filling us with intense aromatic pleasure. I'm not sure which of us said it, but out of one of our mouths came the words, "It doesn't get any better than this." And it was true. Thanks, T.

The Celestial Planes

By Destiny Womack. got it on eBay for $271. Original oil. 30 x 60".

Bindiana Bones.

Plants Have a Secret Social Life

Well, I always knew it.  But now it has been proved "scientifically."

www.nytimes.com/2008/06/10/science/10plant.html?th&emc=th

The photo is of the orchid my sibs and I sent to D & C for their 30th wedding anniversary.  Cool, eh?  I wonder what kind of social life this plant has?  Ha ha.

IKA and I went to the sports store last night and got her a new pair of roller blades.  Fortunately there was a very knowledgeable customer there buying skates for his own kid who helped us with the choices.  Then we went to Cold Stone Creamery for milk shakes.  It must be annoying for the workers there to sing those silly songs every time money is put into the tip jar.  What an unusual job requirement.

I have just been so so so tired.  And my tongue has been sore from talking too much and trying to chew some foods, but it's hard to resist both with such temptation around me.  Still taking very long naps in the afternoon, and sleeping long hours at night.

Finished THREE DOG LIFE.  Absolutely compelling.  It's a fairly short memoir, so I think I will read it again.  There were so many beautiful turns of phrase, but as I was reading them, I did not want to take the time to write them down, just soak them in.  But here is one lovely passage from the book:  

There was a young man who had arrived at the Northeast Center angry and belligerent, as inclined to take a swing at you as not.  He began showing up in Bill's studio and started to paint.  Bill watched him become an artist, and gradually he stopped being at the mercy of his rages.  He got well enough to leave the center and move to a group home.  This is what he said to Bill before he left: "What is art, anyway, except not pounding on walls?"

Art Fair

What do you think of this painting?  It's on Ebay, and is quite large.  I kind of like it a lot.  I'm in a shopping mood.

It's 1.30 am or so, and I'm not sleeping.  Drugs haven't kicked in yet, or else the book I've been reading has energized me in some way.  Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas.  Her husband is disabled after being hit by a car and suffering traumatic brain injury (like my own father), and I thought I would not be able to read it right now, but she adopts two more dogs in addition to the one she and her husband had adopted, and writes eloquently about how she copes with her life after her husband's accident.

Today three of us went to the local summer art fair, the white booths with jewelry and painted glassware and pottery and photography and hand sculpted refrigerator magnet flowers.  I love these fairs, with their lemonade stands and strong smells of popcorn and freshly tanned handmade leather bags and pouches.  I spent about a hundred dollars on items for myself and others; I like to buy holiday and birthday gifts at these fairs, put them in my big blue tote marked "gifts," and know that I always have something on hand when a present is called for.  I lusted after a beautifully crafted ceramic butter dish with cover, all modern and colorful, but for $65 I was too afraid I would break it or chip it, which is inevitably what happens with all my ceramics.  Still, I love to look at what people create, and am always amazed that human creativity is infinite.

It was very hot here today and I was quite exhausted by the fair, and after telling K. we needed to leave NOW, I made it home in time to put myself to bed for one of my three hour naps I've been taking each afternoon since arriving.  Bindi sleeps on the bed with me for these naps, so quiet, but not as cuddly as my dear Camilla, whom I miss.  How can it be a choice between cats and dogs?  We  need them both, with their very different temperaments and sensibilities, abilities and gifts.  I'll tell you one thing: dogs purr, too.

We went to PetSmart last night to get some things for doggie-do, and the store happened to have several adorable kittens up for adoption.  We weren't allowed to hold any of them as we were not serious adopters, but one was black and white like DillBoy, and two others were longish haired grey kittens, like D's Oxmyx and my Misty.  Oh I would have 50 cats if I could.  They're just too extraordinary.

Took myself to Walgreen's tonight to pick up some things and managed to get lost for a while.  But a rainstorm was approaching and I got a glimpse of the marvelous midwest thunder and lightning.

K and D made delicious grilled ribs for dinner which I managed to chew small bites of.  Also red potatoes and green beans.  I blended those together with some tomato, not the best combination in the world of Osterizer, but not that bad.

We watched The Prestige on dvd last night.  Interesting, but I think I liked The Illusionist better.  But Prestige had Michael Caine and Hugh Jackman, both very compelling on screen.  Watched a Muppets episode with Peter Sellars in it.  So funny and droll at the same time.  I miss the Muppets.

Munchkins

I'm in Michigan now with my brother and his family, and there are visitors and a house full of kids doing any number of things.  We were at the park earlier, but were run out by a downpour.  Bindi is resting from all the activity on my brother's new recliner.

We watched SPANGLISH on dvd last night, and I have to say that I liked it very much.  Multi-layered, well-acted and written.  Billed as a comedy, but we thought (the three adults who watched it) that drama was more the case, with humor thrown in.

Cancer update:  In July I will begin 5-6 weeks of daily radiation treatments to my head and neck. Shouldn't be painful, and is primarily preventative and highly recommended.  My case will be presented before the "tumor board" for final clarity by the doctor.  Main side effects from the radiation will be fatigue (what else is new?), dry mouth (again, not new), and a diminution of taste as taste buds will be temporarily affected.  I am speaking more clearly now and have started to eat more solid food, and pain from the surgery is pretty much gone, although tongue is stiff and the surgery scar is easily irritated.

Naturopath

Saw Dr. Artemis yesterday, and whatever she did made it a bit easier for me to speak. She gave me some powders and tinctures for my gastrointestinal health and immune boosters, etc. And she did some cranialsacral hands-on therapy.
http://http://www.craniosacraltherapy.org/Whatis.htm

I have an appt. with the oncologist on Monday. M. is picking me up shortly for a visit to the surgeon.

Camilla has come back to sleep with me some. She still loves her new bed, but esp. when it is cool at night she comes back to cuddle with me.

I'm trying to be patient, with myself and others. I'm not planning on any great cancer insights. Just another in the long line of people who have to deal with this crap. My house back here in sort of the woods is a good place to heal, so quiet, so many birds. There was some fight at dawn outside the window, I don't know if it was racoons or 'possums or something else. Not cats, for sure. But loud.

Sen-Sen

Two sensory memories from last night, I think it's the percoset. Nasty little drug. Remember those soapy licorice-y tasting tiny grey squares called Sen-Sen? That one, and then some lemon cologne from many years ago, very specific, but I can't remember the name. Memorial day.

Stayed low all day. C & D came over for a while; they took my huge hibiscus tree outside for me, and put her in the shade. They brought me peach sorbet but sugary foods are still too irritating. They will plant the seedlings that P. left for me in the community garden.

Trying to figure out how to get to the naturopath today. Thought I would be able to drive myself, but not on these chemicals.

Recovery

So the thing on my tongue was cancerous. Hasn't sunk in yet, too many pain meds. Prognosis: curable. Don't know how I want to blog about this yet, if at all.

My garden of friends has been stellar; I decided I needed a lot of support, so I emailed everyone. Some people may choose to be very private about such a matter, but I feel inclined to be just the opposite. I need to not feel alone, I need to feel cared about right now. Uh oh, that's gonna make me cry, so I'm out of here.

4.30 pm

Just got back from the new Indiana Jones movie with R & F. I thought it was awful, but perhaps that was just the pain killers numbing me out.

Am making some boiled potatoes to mix with butter and milk and a little yogurt for more sustenance. Bought organic baby food. Yuk. I'm hungry.

K & S and Momo came over for a doggie romp which was great fun.

Oral Cancers

ENT Doctors Recognize Oral, Head, And Neck Cancer Awareness Week, 23 Apr 2008.

With more than 40,000 Americans diagnosed with cancers of the mouth, head and neck each year, the American Academy of Otolaryngology, Head and Neck Surgery (AAO-HNS) supports the Yul Brynner Foundation in promoting the need for education on these conditions during Oral, Head, and Neck Cancer Awareness Week (OHANCAW) 2008. OHANCAW, held April 21 - 26, is an annual health awareness event designed to alert the public and health professionals of the staggering statistics associated with these very preventable diseases. Nearly 13,000 patients will die from a cancer of the head and neck region and as many as 90 percent of head and neck cancers arise after prolonged exposure to specific factors. Use of tobacco (cigarettes, cigars, chewing tobacco, or snuff) and alcoholic beverages are closely linked with cancers of the mouth, throat, voice box, and tongue. In adults who don't smoke or drink, cancer of the mouth and throat are nearly nonexistent. New research is also just beginning to reveal the link between the common human papillomavirus and cancers of the mouth and throat. According to the National Cancer Institute, the incidence of cancers of the mouth, head, and neck have remained stable over the past two decades, indicating that many Americans are not aware of how preventable these diseases can be if they make minor modifications to their lifestyles and get screened annually. Fortunately, most head and neck cancers produce early symptoms. Knowing and recognizing the signs of head and neck cancer can save lives. Symptoms can include: a mouth sore that bleeds easily and doesn't heal; a lump or thickening anywhere in your mouth or neck; soreness or swelling in the mouth that doesn't go away; a red or white patch that doesn't go away; and trouble chewing, swallowing, or moving your tongue or jaw. During the week-long OHANCAW campaign, free screenings are being offered in communities around the country. To find out the closest free screening site in your area, visit the Yul Brynner Foundation website at http://www.ohancaw.com or http://www.headandneck.org. For more information on oral, head, and neck cancers and other related ENT health topics, visit http://www.entnet.org and click "Patients". About the AAO-HNS The American Academy of Otolaryngology - Head and Neck Surgery, one of the oldest medical associations in the nation, represents more than 12,000 physicians and allied health professionals who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of disorders of the ears, nose, throat, and related structures of the head and neck. The Academy serves its members by facilitating the advancement of the science and art of medicine related to otolaryngology and by representing the specialty in governmental and socioeconomic issues. The organization's mission: .Working for the Best Ear, Nose, and Throat Care.American Academy of Otolaryngology - Head and Neck Surgery
Article URL: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/105079.php

Retire.

Having some new folks come clean the house today. Then appt. with benefits office to talk retirement options. M. and A. will come with. Then to 116 Crown with R & F, for R's birthday. We'll go see the new Narnia movie after, Prince Caspian I think.

Worked in the house gardens here considerably yesterday. Even though I am renting, I still need to have gardens and dirt I can play in, and beautify. I'm trying not to spend too much money on plants and soil amendments, but enough to throw color and form into the mix. The lawn here is so damaged that creating a focal point of flowering plants will make up for the less than attractive lawn.

I bought a small bed for the cats, and Camilla has claimed it and now isn't sleeping with me!! Whaaa! I've put it up on a wicker hamper so she wont' be harassed by Bindi, and now she treats it as her throne. Misty is throwing up pretty consistently now when she eats too much too fast. I have to give her very small portions several times a day. The next round of doctors' appointments will be vets.

I'm tired.

Gravitas

Uck.


Tongue surgery on Monday. M. came with me to the pre-op surgeon appt. yesterday. R. came with me to the pre-op exam with the pcp on Monday. Y. was with me for the awful MRI last Friday night. Sis is coming on Sunday, blessed be. MRI was normal, thankfully. Surgeon thinks the tongue thingie is fairly superficial but won't know till she starts cutting. Uck. Told me to bring a cd for the OR. Should I take Nilsson's THE POINT, or Glenn Gould's A STATE OF WONDER, playing the Goldberg Variations? Or something else. I will be able to hear it unconsciously, I'm told.

After taking Y. to the train this morning, I took myself to Bread and Chocolate for one of their delicious raisin scones and a latte. Then I drove across the street to Lucien's, a florist/plant rental/interior landscaping business that was crazy beautiful and interesting. And they were SO nice. Had dinner at Midori last night with R & F, very good Korean/Japanese food, not too far from my house. THEY are so friendly, too. They know me by name now. Went to M's for the yearly May Day ritual, which is so sweet. We ate strawberries, little cakes, whipped cream, ice cream, and five young girls and R. wove the May Pole ribbons into it's chaotic and perfect pattern. M. has been doing this ritual for her daughters for 18 years now.

Y. and I went up to Northampton last Saturday, she to visit an old professor, and me to just hang about. We saw in the sky up there what we could only define as some kind of "northern lights." A glow of pink and green and yellow light in the clouds, kind of streaking/blending among them. It hadn't been raining, it didn't look like a rainbow, and yet was of course some kind of refracted light show. We were both entranced and in awe. I wonder if there is something geographic about the valley up there that produces such things.

The cyclone in Burma. The earthquake in China. The tornadoes in the Midwest. Uck. I can't bear to read the newspaper or watch the news these days. Way too much pain.

Photo is S's table in Naples. Mandala, of course.

Dandy Lion Picker

Have been obsessively pulling the dandelion blooms off the plant part itself so that they do not go to seed and proliferate. It's something my dad used to do in our yard growing up, and everywhere else in the world where he would see that yellow flower. Don't want to put too much effort into this beat up lawn here, but it's a kind of meditation to walk around the yard and pluck the golden headed monsters. In the fall is the time to apply corn gluten onto the lawn to prevent reseeding of dandelions the next spring, the organic way to handle them. I've got some poison ivy on the perimeter of the yard which I have to deal with, I guess with RoundUp which is not organic, but seems to be the only thing that works. Sorry, well water. Sorry, body.

Dream last night: I am travelling on a bus in Europe with a friend, not sure who, I called her Rachel, but she looked more like someone from my childhood. We stopped at a train station, but then were supposed to get back on the bus. I couldn't find Rachel, and asked the bus driver if he would wait a couple of minutes until I could locate her. He said yes, a couple of minutes. I went frantically searching, did not find her, went back to where the bus was, and it was gone, taking my luggage, my money, my passport, all my credit cards, and Bindi, all of which I had left on the bus. I was hysterical. Then I was in a hotel room or something, and I hear this wimpering at the door, and find Bindi, transformed into my previous cat Chiquita, who had returned with a very bad wound on her leg. I began to try to find the number of the Central Hospital for Veterinary Medicine so I could take her there, but could not find the number, and just went. They were very busy. The attendant said, this cat is dead, I said, no no no, she's not, and truly, she was not, her heartbeat was still strong. They took her in and it seemed immediately that she was returned to me, with a bandaged leg, and x-rays done, and not as bad as I had feared.

These are the kind of dreams I have been having. Every night. All versions of anxiety.

My friend Y., Sri Lankan, but living in Australia, is showing up tonight to visit for a few days. I've been trying to clean and clear, esp. the guest room, but I need help, and I could not get my usual person to come assist. So not everything will get done. Considering my foot pain, knee pain, tongue pain, mental pain, and general fatique, I guess it's amazing I get anything done at all.

Planted some caladium bulbs, and will put the morning glory seeds in the ground today, which have been soaking overnight. That is supposed to make them germinate faster.

The photo is of a cherry tree outside my bedroom window. It appears to be a weeping cherry and a regular white cherry grafted together a long time ago, and it is very strange looking. Kind of like this whole house, it is a glom of various parts stuck together, but somehow manages to still be charming.

The Power of Schmutz

These two photos were taken of signs in a dry cleaner's window, but I wasn't thinking of dirty clothes when i saw them. I was thinking of my mind and body and all these awful doctor's appointments,





















and the drugs and the surgeries and the exams and the general messiness of aging. Not for sissies, it's said! So friends and family, take care of your bodies, and hope you don't get sideswiped by genetics.

The more power someone has, the more they fear losing it. That's a paraphrase from a line in Star Wars: Return of the Sith, which I watched about 15 minutes of last night.

Big gardening day yesterday and other stuff. Took Bindi to get her nails clipped at ABC and she was less nervous this time cause I just let the cutters do their thing and did not try to hold and comfort Bindi while she was having her nailed clipped. So it was done with no drama in about 20 seconds. And there was no line! Usually, there is a long line out the door and we have to wait and wait, but for some reason yesterday was a very slow clipping day for ABC. Then I took the other stained glass window to the woodworker. They should both be framed by the end of next week. What a wonderful mother's day gift to myself.

Then I went to the coffee shop and got a latte and bagel, and sat outside the shop with Bindi for a few minutes. I had her leash tied around the arm of the chair, but a big dog came along and Bindi bolted for him, untying the leash, and after a couple of seconds of sniffing him quietly, she launched into barking and jumping on him aggressively, something she has done way too many times now. That big dog was freaked out, as was his owner, and I was deeply embarrassed and apologized profusely. Bindi doesn't bite, just goes nuts sometimes, but not with all dogs. She loved Momo upon first meeting and they played politely together.

Then I went to the garden center looking for wave petunias. R. gave me four big planting boxes which I have put by the driveway, and since I know I won't get around to painting them anytime soon (the currrent paint on them in peeling) I'm going to plant those vining petunias which will hopefully cover the whole box with bloom and last all summer. Stopped somewhere else and bought straw hay, thinking it was salt hay, but put it in my community garden plot anyway. Salt hay is the one without seeds, and staw hay is just the regular hay stuff that will sprout weeds, which one does not want from a mulch. Then to the community garden where I did some more weeding, without my gloves and proper weeding tool so got a blister on the palm of my hand, and chatted with P. She has doctor horror stories too and various conditions she's trying to manage. Ah well, misery loves company.

Window

This is the one of the 2 stained glass windows from my old house, photo taken in my current front yard. Imagine it horizontal hanging in my current home's front windows. I took the window to the woodworker this morning, and he's gonna do the job, for a reasonable price. I think I would have even paid an unreasonable price.

S. was here for a sleepover last night, as her mom was away. I picked her up from school, then we went to get "night crawlers" for my garden, those big fat worms my dad used to find in our back yard with a flashlight at night, to use as bait for fishing. $2/dozen. I got four dozen. Then we went to the community garden and put the worms in the soil in my allotment. I had purchased several new herbs for the herb garden, which we also planted: gotu kola, herba buena, a kind of vining eucalyptus, stevia, and lemon thyme. Then home, dinner, watched a Wishbone video and craved for Bindi those cute hats that Wishbone wears as Robin Hood in the movie, R & F came over briefly, then reading stories, then me singing songs, then me telling made-up stories, till I finally said to S., time to fall asleep. She was out like a light.

Woke up at 5.30am, got up, S. got up shortly after, so we just got our stuff together and I took her to school for 8.00am. Had an ENT appt. and the doc scared me to death about this tongue thingie. She was very upset I hadn't come back to see her sooner, tried to stick some tube down my nose to my throat to see what this tumor was up to, I freaked out, sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. So instead of all that she has ordered an MRI to see how it has changed or not. It was very upsetting. I'm exhausted. Going over to R & F's now.

Had a dream last night about my mother. A photo of her was in an old newspaper or magazine, when she was a teenager maybe. The date was 1924. Was that the year she was born? Someone in my family was speaking badly about her as we looked at the photo, and I lashed out defending her.

And the Beat Goes On

Top court's unfair play against fair play
Clarence Page

April 27, 2008

Lilly Ledbetter worked in a Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. plant in Gadsden, Ala., for 19years before she received a valuable tip from an anonymous source: She was making $6,500 less than the lowest-paid guy who had her job.

She did what anybody might do. She sued. She was in for a surprise. So were a lot of civil rights experts. If any cases were intended to be covered by Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, they thought, it was cases like hers.

Indeed, even the women I know who are hesitant feminists, the middle-of-the-road womenfolk who insist, "I'm not a feminist, but . . ." usually tend to follow that "but" with, "I believe that women should receive equal pay for equal work."

But after Ledbetter's case made it all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court last year, the high court ruled 5-4 that the law did not apply to her. She was too late. She should have filed her complaint years earlier when the original discrimination occurred.

Indeed? As a legal matter, the decision was defensible, but as a practical matter it was inexcusable. One might even call it judicial activism, tilting a law intended to protect workers against discrimination into one that gives a big edge to employers who discriminate.

The law said she had to file her discrimination complaint within 180 days of the alleged unlawful discrimination. The surprise came with the Supreme Court's interpretation of when the clock is supposed to start on that 180 days.

Since the 1960s, nine federal circuit courts and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission had ruled that the 180-day clock started—or restarted—every time the employee received an unequal paycheck. After all, it was reasoned, every unequal check is an illegal act of discrimination. But imagine Ledbetter's surprise when the high court ruled that, no, the 180-day statute of limitations began with her very first discriminatory paycheck almost 20 years earlier.

In other words, if employers manage to discriminate against workers for at least 180 days without getting caught, they're home free, exempt from discrimination lawsuits.

In her dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg called on Congress to step in with new legislation to clarify and restore the intent of the original civil rights act. A bill to do just that was named after Ledbetter and passed the House last year. But the Senate version failed last week to win enough support to survive a threatened veto by President Bush.

And, like almost every other issue of consequence these days, the Lilly Ledbetter bill looms as a defining issue in the presidential race.

As luck would have it, Arizona Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, missed the vote on the bill because he was on a trip through the South.

News reports described him as visiting places that Republican candidates don't usually see, usually because they don't have to. He traveled to locations identified with wars against poverty and discrimination—like Selma, Ala., scene of a historic clash between police and civil rights volunteers seeking equal voting rights in 1965.

So it's ironic that he missed the vote on one of the most important civil rights bills of our time. But that's OK, equal pay fans. If he had been there, he would have voted against it because, he told reporters, he agreed with Bush that it would prompt a flood of lawsuits. Actually, it wouldn't—because it hasn't. We know from experience with the original law that there was no flood of lawsuits before the high court overturned it, and there would be no reason to have a deluge now.

Besides, in an unsuccessful attempt to satisfy conservatives, new caps were put onto the total damages that can be awarded. The proposed law would limit claims filed to a two-year maximum. That means, even if the bill is revived this year and wins enough votes to override Bush's threatened veto, the most redress that someone like Ledbetter could hope for after 19 years of discrimination would be two years' worth of redress.

Sen. Edward Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, would like to revive it this year, although that's a long shot. Members of Congress like to avoid controversy in election years even more than they try to avoid controversy in other years.

But because McCain is going to face either Illinois Sen. Barack Obama or New York Sen. Hillary Clinton in November, both of whom support the Ledbetter bill, there's time for the issue to receive a national spotlight.

Now that we know how much McCain appreciates civil rights history, it's time to see what kind of civil rights history he plans to make.

Clarence Page is a member of the Tribune editorial board. E-mail: cptime@aol.com.

Tea vs Coffee

For several weeks now, instead of having a cup of coffee first thing in the morning, I have switched to tea. Almost unconsciously. It seems to be what my body wants. I had the feeling that drinking coffee without any food was making my stomach a bit upset, but tea goes down much more easily. I sometimes like a coffee later in the day, but sometimes not.

It's finally raining here. We needed it badly. I planted some grass seed in the lawn here, and did lots of transplanting other places and a slow steady rain is perfect for these kinds of gardening. I have nothing on my docket today, thankfully, so hopefully can go thru some of the remaining boxes I have yet to unpack and get rid of books and other stuff that I don't need. Several of the local libraries are taking donations, so that's where the books will go.

Dream last night: I don't know who I was with, but . . . these huge birds with large beaks began dive bombing toward the ground, killing themselves. This person I was with just wanted to carry around the dead carcases, but I kept saying, they will rot, they will decay, they will smell bad, you cannot do that. I think some expert in the dream was saying the birds were committing suicide. I kept telling the person carrying the dead birds that she should take them to a taxidermist if she wanted to keep them.

Lunch with M & S & P was pleasant. I dug up my dianthus and my Sum and Substance hosta, and my tarragon, to transplant here. M had built a fire and it was warming and relaxing to sit in front of it drinking tea. Then we played a game of Blogus, I think it's called. Kind of fun. Then to the Rumi event. I thought more Rumi poetry was going to be read, but the poets read much of their own work, most of which was really quite fine. Especially liked Lisa Starr and Coleman Barks. Glen Velez, the percussionist, was particularly astonishing. But here is one Rumi poem read that I liked:

What Was Told, That


What was said to the rose that made it open was said
to me here in my chest.

What was told the cypress that made it strong
and straight, what was

whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made
sugarcane sweet, whatever

was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in
Turkestan that makes them

so handsome, whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush
like a human face, that is

being said to me now. I blush. Whatever put eloquence in
language, that's happening here.

The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,
chewing a piece of sugarcane,

in love with the one to whom every that belongs!
-- Rumi