Sunday, January 18, 2009

Uh, more what?

SNOW! Big large flakes falling slowly. I put the sweater on Bindi that her auntie C. made for her, and she went outside and peed and ran around in the powder, under after about 1 minute she got cold. I put on my boots and trudged out to the bird feeder, which was empty, and brought it in to fill it. I'll go thru a lot to fill the bird feeder if it is empty. I remember times being so depressed I could hardly move, but the one thing I could get myself to do was fill the feeder for the birds. It seemed very very important to do that for them. And me.

Still have my ornaments, baubles, foxes, dogs, angels, globes, wreaths, sequinned dinosaurs, crystals hanging on my hibiscus bush. And the lights. Have no desire to remove any of it, since it is so beautiful and brings me such joy to think of where each hanging treasure came from. Of course, this is the time of year that the aphids start to attack this hibiscus tree, so when they overwhelm the plant, then I'll take everything off and spray the heck out of those aphids.

Have to decide if I want to go back to yoga, and do it in a chair, just upper body stuff. Guess I'll go back and talk to the instructor, but I'm sure he won't mind. Am checking out a gym called Healthtrax, a franchise, that's supposed to be pretty nice and pretty close to where I live. They have swimming pools, which most gyms don't. I think it will be kind of expensive, but I've heard it's very clean, has an older clientele.

The guitar. I have no interest in practicing. It's hard. Even though I know the more I practice, the easier it will get. I am going to ask my teacher if he will let me take lessons, without the expectation of practicing. I *might* practice if the spirit moves me, but I don't want to feel the stress of having to do it. That makes me feel awful. Well, why do you want to continue lessons, you may well ask? Because I want the mental challenge of the lessons, and eventually hope to learn to play something besides "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." It feels like that same old thing where I would practice if someone else were around, but I can't seem to do it alone. It's become clearer and clearer to me that it would be better for me to be living with other people, but who can I stand, and how could I get a house big enough so I could be completely alone in silence if I needed to, even if the other person were in the house? I don't want to listen to them banging around, or talking on the phone, or snorking snot or anything like that.

What I've been calling "lack of discipline" all these years has been a combo of ADD, anxiety, depression. I talked to my shrink about it this week, and we're gonna try yet another drug to see if some of the ADD/anxiety symptoms can be lessened. I don't like taking all these drugs, but alas.

I guess this is a good day to go thru some more files and throw out, refile, archive. I can do a bit of that alone. Especially now that my house is a balmy 68 degrees.


Max in the Hague said...

There could be a strong possibility you need a new guitar teacher if this guy is only pushing you down the classical route! Instruments have a nasty reputation for being hard, and it's half true, but you're good at perseverance also! more soon, the hague is rainy and busy this morning, xxx

Ilia said...

we got a ton of snow over the past few days. we now have a little over a foot on the ground, I think...

Anonymous said...

Keeping the bird and squirrel feeders filled is a priority of mine, also. I shoveled a path through the snow so I can get to them easily. I've now put up a suet feeder and have a beautiful pair of downy woodpeckers that come to it. Also a yellow-bellied flicker comes. It is so much bigger and flashier than the other birds but has the long pointed woodpecker beak that allows it to use the suet feeder very efficiently. The squirrels are mating. Babies will probably emerge from the nest in 60 day. Gestation is only 44 days. CSA

Kim said...

I completely dropped the ball on the bird feeders this year, after they were taken down for tree removal. Now it's much too cold and too snowy to dig down to the pole to put them back up.

Someday I plan to take guitar lessons.

I think most of my lack of discipline is truly that -- a lack of discipline. :-P