Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Grief

Rainy, rainy day. Started the day with Dr. Artemis, my naturopath/acupuncturist. I was lying on the treatment table with a bunch of needles sticking out of me, and a song came over the sound system that struck a deep cord in me. A woman was chanting or speaking/singing something in English, and while I couldn't catch all the words, something about her voice and the melody and rhythm of the music made me start to cry. Dr. Artemis came in a few minutes later to take out the needles and I was still crying. I sat up to get ready to leave and began sobbing and sobbing. My nose began to bleed. And bleed and bleed. Dr. A came back in and said I had broken a blood vessel in my nose by crying so hard, and gently attended me. There was blood all over my mouth, on my t-shirt, on the treatment table.

I was releasing grief, and I had the thought that I didn't have enough time with my dad. I didn't have enough time with him in a good way. Not enough time with him as a child, not enough time with him as an adult before his car crash, and too much time knowing he was unhappy. When Dr. A was dealing with my bloody nose, I remembered that I used to get bad nosebleeds as a kid. One memory was of sitting in the bathroom with a nosebleed and my dad was there, telling me to put my head back, and I could taste all the blood running down my throat. I said to him, "I can't stand that taste." He said, "You can't stand anything." Ah, the oversensitive child.
And the insensitive parent. He was not a giving man. I don't remember him ever telling me he loved me.

I left the doctor's office and decided to go buy a candle to light for him, and for me, at a shop where I knew they would have the one I wanted. An unusual candle with the scent of Fresh Tomato Leaf. It was given to me by a friend a couple of years ago, and everyone liked the scent. I went into the shop and saw a beautiful black shop cat milling about. I said hello to him and tried to pick him up, and he bit me on the hand, and I bled again. I bought the candle, two actually, and realized when I was about to leave that I had left my keys locked in my car, with Bindi in the front seat. Fortunately, the day was cool and she was in no danger of overheating. I called the Geico people, and went next door to my optician's office. We had a nice chat and he proudly showed me his beautiful collection of antique optician's instruments. He wondered what their value was, and I said I'd do an internet search for him. He was so appreciative.

The Geico guy finally came, and when he got the door open, he immediately took Bindi by the leash and brought her to me. And as I was leaving, the woman from the candle shop came out and gave me a beautifully wrapped bag of candy, just 'cause. It was a very sweet gesture.

Tomorrow I will commit to renting a 5 room house in Hamden. It's in a very quiet neighborhood, set back from the road which is not heavily travelled, so the cats will be safe to go outside. It's a plain house, but has what I need: everything on one level, no steps at all, and big enough for all my stuff. It's more than I can really afford on my salary, but I will tighten my belt. I am so tired of looking, and this house will be near some of my friends which is what I need right now.

2 comments:

Tommaso said...

I am sure the house is nice -- give yourself some time -- see you in a few days

T.

vronster said...

Linda - I was just about to write to you to see if you knew about Ann Fitzpatrick who is being treated horribly by the Soc chair (ie pretty much sacked) and I thought I would read your page first. I am glad that you were around sympathetic people, and that you were so aware of what was going on. I hope you are feeling better - what a sequence - esp the cat.
I am sad you are leaving Guilford, though the Hamden place sounds good as well. I wonder if you will have your own garden or keep doing Edgeworth Park.
Anyway - maybe you heard about Ann, but she wrote to us sounding really distressed - humiliated she said.
xx